Thursday, July 12, 2012

This is not how I thought this summer would go.

I had big plans to clear out my drafts folder and post a ton of stuff that I've been working on for a while but haven't finished and/or polished.  Unfortunately, the summer hasn't exactly turned out like I thought it would.

I failed to post about the Canada Day festivities at Kin Coulee Park.  We didn't attend as we had some friends over for a barbecue instead.  I find that I'm avoiding crowds these days, as well as the awkwardness of conversation with acquaintances. There are so many questions for which I have no answers.  For a while I withdrew from Twitter, my blog and even posting on Facebook, as well as attending real life events, because I was sad and wanted to be alone, and because it seems disrespectful and irreverent to go on with my life when the lives of so many in my family have been destroyed.  This unfathomable tragedy affects not only Amy's family, but the community as well, and I've had many people tell me how uneasy it has made them.  The illusion of safety in our small city has been shattered.  I've found myself to be more fearful and wary of strangers and situations than I've ever been before.  And I'm naturally an overly cautious, distrustful, and paranoid person, so that's telling you something.  I've lost my confidence in the safety of my community and much of my faith in humanity.  It has made me feel small and helpless, and I've been closing off to the world as a means of self-preservation.

It's hard to explain the feeling I have about Amy's disappearance. My mind cannot, will not, accept this situation. Thinking and knowing that Amy is gone, to who-knows-where by an unknown hand, is like trying to grab a slippery, silvery fish as it darts around in a glinting bucket of water. It is too fast and slick for my mind to grasp. I'm left with this feeling of waiting for... I-don't-know-what: Answers? Justice? Normality?  None of them will replace what has been lost.

1 comment:

  1. Alison, I can't imagine the pain you and your family have gone through this summer. Thanks for sharing and being honest. I pray for you daily and now can focus those prayers a little more. I just finished a book where tradgedy struck a family and the wife kept asking "why God did this happen to us. How do I get through this". God responded to her with Proverbs 3:5&6 "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your plathes.". May you find you peace not in the world but in your father's arm. You may not see or understand why things happen but give your heart and your fears into the Lords hands. I know there are darks days, but you have people that love you and want to support you. Don't shut them out to. You never know when their shoulders will come in handy or their laughter will fill you heart. Love you my friend.